Wherever there is comfort, there is pain

audibleink @ 2004-04-24T22:50:00

2004-04-24T12:54:21Z

I've found me again.

I guess it seemed kind of pointless to start off somewhere else and leave this here doing nothing, so, I'm turning the comments section of this post into a confessional for whoever stumbles across this last post. Post comments anonymously (heh, obviously) you'd be surprised how good it feels.

This is the end, again, my friend.

2004-04-13T08:25:16Z

Stereotypical day for the most part, trendies, footy fanatics, suits, lawyers, doctors, the deranged, hardcore kids on school holidays, goths, punks, wallflowers, freaks, dandy's, homies, mothers with kids, young mothers, staggle bearded drunkards, junkies, unemployed, uneducated, unwilling, unable, taxi drivers, bankers, clerks, snooty nosed store attendants, petrolheads and motormouths, underpaid overworked receptionists, people with accessories worth more than their monthly wage, Islamic converts from Christianity, old men who stay silent, clothing labels, idyllic stereotypes laid out on the ground, embodiment and personification of. Same stories, same faces, same names, same places.

The winter is here and this turkey's lost its feathers. It's getting cold. I have to consume it.

They're so fragile, and when they slowly grind to dust, each separate shard becomes a blade and tears our innards to shreds. Pink ribbons in a ribcage.

Cut a swath out your side and watch that elephant in your living room, the taboo that you never speak of, we cannot of course acknowledge its presence, though it blocks our view of the television, though it bends the light streaming in from the windows. It just stands there stoic, swishing its tail about. Silent. To the blind man the elephant is many things. He can feel it but can never tell quite what it represents.

http://hellfox.deviantart.com/

Check that out.

Goodbye. It was weird while it lasted.

audibleink @ 2004-04-13T00:37:00

2004-04-12T14:37:09Z

Journal Journal Journal. God wills that I write this. My parents arrived safely back from Africa, nobody was mauled by lions, I am disappointed in that. They didn't even SEE any lions, some African adventure. Oh well.
The e-mail was rather as much as I had expected, mum used the term "coloureds" only once or twice, which isn't too bad considering her childhood and upbringing coincides with some of the darkest chapters of my country's history. She knows how it riles us, but old habits die hard I suppose.
Thank heavens for your electronic nature dearest journal. The stains of past infractions don't show up as well, the silent storm doesn't make your ink run, you won't be lost.

Know your enemy I suppose.

I'm going to buy up the moral highground and just observe.

Kurt Vicek stood by the side of the road. In all his years, it had never been far from his side, it called him constantly, and today was no different. Beside him lazily nestling beside his leg was his rucksack, in it were all his worldy posessions, the things he could not do without. The deep brown eyes that seemed to have been sucked back into the dark recesses of their sockets focused intently through the straggled mat of hair at a crow across the road. It hopscotched across the stones and twigs, head down, eyes scanning the ground, mouth agape. For moments on end, it was just the crow and Kurt. The road, the trees, the traffic, everything turned white, lost shape and form, except for the crow, it held his focus, it's black feathers shining in the midday sun. He stepped towards it, one step, two steps, three,four, five. He was upon it, and in some strange fashion the crow knew what was about to happen. It stood completely still as human hands pinned its wings to its body, it made no sound as it was elevated to eye level. It's bright blue eyes shone wildly. ack..............................................................................................................................................................................................I won't even dignify that with an ending.

"We are all human, let's start to prove it"

The white flag I'm raising is stained with your thoughts and actions. I give up. I release my grip. You're free despite my thoughts. I release this dermal plating, here I am, waving this flag.

audibleink @ 2004-04-12T11:11:00

2004-04-12T01:12:05Z

"The boy with the world in his eyes.
He seemed totally aware of everything around him and to everything he took a gentle fascination, I say gentle what I mean to say is that he was affected by a nature scene the same way he would be affected by a multi car collision. He saw death as part of life, interwined and beautiful. People thought that he was odd and disturbed, the way he would smile when someone would come to him with their problems. I never thought him odd at all, I saw him more as an open door, a man at one with the elements. On some days, I could look into his eyes and I would swear I could see all the way into his soul. On other days, his eyes were clouded and dull. It was on days like these that he spoke of feeling old inside himself. He told me that sometimes he wished he could get out of himself for awhile. I never really understood him. I would ask him what he was about, he would smile and tell me I had someone a lot more important than him to learn about. When I would ask him who that was he would laugh and say nothing, it took me awhile, but now I see who he was talking about."

"The future?, what the fuck do you know about the future?. Nothing. All you can do is guess. Now is the only thing that's real. The past? Really? Give me your version, I'll give you mine. There is no truth but your own. None."

audibleink @ 2004-04-11T02:28:00

2004-04-10T16:28:51Z

Another day, another thought tapping my skull. Multiply that by a few thousand. That's better. I set off to rectify my dismal academic situation today, I wandered the streets that I'd occasionally driven through as a boy, but was never allowed to set foot in, such was the danger. The syringes are gone, or at least, out of view, the streets were empty, but then they always were. The users had been moved out and replaced by young professionals, the old football ground where on Sundays 36 men would slug it out for glory, the roars erupting from the stadium wafting slowly over the walls and into the small weatherboard house occupied by my uncle. Of course, all of this occured in the time it took me to get lost looking for a foreign library (which ended up being closed anyway). Sometimes things happen because they're supposed to.

I'm torn and you'll find out soon enough.

To Ed, who I know will never read these words, what's left of my heart goes out to you, I'll be over to see you one day. We'll play golf (ack) and drink coffee like old times.

Argh, I'm so frustrated. I was far worse before, but things change, and time heals all wounds. Pardon my brash behaviour, but this all so absurd. I guess you don't know what you've got til its gone, or maybe you do, and that's what makes us all so sad.

--

The water rushes up the beach like a Japanese soldier, and retreats like a Frenchman. The watermark moves higher and in the cold light of the moon I see you there hacking away at a plant, the blade catches the moon's rays and sends them into my stinging eyes. The landscape was so beautiful and I wonder why you hack away at the paradise laid out before you. I wonder why you work so dilligently to tear away at what you have here. I look on, but cannot get to you, I speak, but you cannot hear. The tide comes in and leaves me stranded out on the reef, my feet cut, the saltwater rushing in and making me groan with the cleansing. I scream but you cannot hear me over the waves. I wave my arms but you cannot see me. You just continue on, hacking away, slicing with all your attention focused on this sole task.

The night passes and the tide retreats. I struggle across the reef, rockpools slowly turn red with the addition of my blood, a seagull plunges into the murky depths and doesn't resurface. The jagged rocks tear my searing flesh, the sun beats down, and still I see you there, cutting, slashing, without fear of retribution, or where your actions might take you. Slowly you destroy what you have.

A crab straggles about my feet, it falls on its back, I look down to see it in throes of death, its last ditch effort to save itself falls short, it's flailing claws seize. I step over it as you would have. The reef gives way to the sand. The brilliant white, burning sand. The sun beats down. I stumble forth in my tattered rags I try to yell, but find myself without voice. Those last few metres seem like an eternity, my feet touch down and squeal with pain. I grab your arm and you turn to me, I look into your eyes and see nothing. Your arm falls and the blade sinks deep into my flesh. The blood bubbles slightly and slowly slithers toward the sand. I stand back bleeding, a new demon arises inside me, my face contorts with rage "DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" I yell, but you don't respond, you just keep tearing away at it. "DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DESTROYING?" I yell, but you don't respond, you just keep hacking away. Your silence, your utter irreverence, pushes the demon closer to the surface. Slowly the sand turns red with my blood. The waves form a cacophonic wall, I move toward you and you push me away.

I look to the water mark, the body of the gull washes up, its wet feathers quickly become encrusted with the sand, give it a few days and it will become the memory you never had, the torturous death in your paradise that you ignored or never knew existed. What once was an exercise in perfection is now destroyed. Where once beauty roamed, only hate and hurt remain. At the your hands and at mine, these plants have been broken, their bonds with the world severed, their screams drowned out by the intensity of your emotions and the focus with which you destroy. The sun lowers and fruitlessly I throw myself into the battle with your determination. Soon the tide grows tired of hugging the shore and I must return to my place on the reef. I walk away and hear you cry out in pain, but I do not turn around. I cannot. I console you from my place on the reef, but such is the pain of your destruction. I reach down to scoop water in my hands to wash these wounds of mine, expecting to see myself I am surprised to see nothing at all.

--

The Pixies play a familiar tune. The rain slowly pelts down outside. The cold air mixes with my thoughts and I wonder.

These needles lay wayward and wasted, the happiness they bring, the euphoria.

"Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

audibleink @ 2004-04-09T12:15:00

2004-04-09T02:26:19Z

H.

What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine.
They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same.
The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Considerately.

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity.
The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again.

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me.

Without the skin,
Beneath the storm,
Under these tears
The walls came down.
And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.
I could have cried then.
I should have cried then.
And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me.

Oh needless cruelty.

audibleink @ 2004-04-09T11:02:00

2004-04-09T01:03:05Z

April 9th, Good Friday. Jesus Christ Pose plays, Soundgarden are long gone, but their music is still kicking arse after all these years. Chris Cornell has an amazing voice, and to think he started out as a drummer is remarkable.
This sore throat hasn't improved, so I think I'm coming down with something, I'm pretty resilient usually, so hopefully i'm ok to enjoy the rest of my long long weekend. I've been watching so many films recently, it's a disgrace, tonight I'm off to see The Passion of the Christ, on Good Friday, probably in the presence of Christians. It should be interesting, I'll report back when I can.
Yesterday I saw Elephant,it's a reasonably simple film, it merely details the goings on in a high school in Oregon, what it lacks in complexity it makes up for in content. I implore you to see this film at your earliest convenience, it is a masterpiece of cinema. Gus Van Sant is the director (Goodwill Hunting, Gerry) and does another amazing job.

Dreams punctured by reality, I'm sorry to hear your phoenix is dying. I'll see you on the ground, or below. I wish to leak some cyan from my head, and paint my life with it, I wish to embrace all that is beautiful, to enshroud myself in the sights, sounds and smells. Halt the quivering and shivering of my soul, steady up and sail forth.

Soundgarden - Jesus Christ Pose

And you stare at me in your Jesus Christ pose
Arms held out like you've been carrying a load
And you swear to me you don't want to be my slave
But you're staring at me like I need to be saved

In your Jesus Christ pose
Arms held out
In your Jesus Christ pose

Thorns and shroud like it's the coming of the Lord
And I swear to you that I would never feed you pain
But you're staring at me like I'm driving the nails

In your Jesus Christ pose
And you stare at me
In your Jesus Christ pose

Arms held out like it's the coming of the Lord
And would it pay you more to walk on water
Than to wear a crown of thorns
It wouldn't pain me more to bury you rich
Than to bury you poor
In your Jesus Christ pose

audibleink @ 2004-04-08T02:49:00

2004-04-07T23:50:14Z

Bleugh. Another interview. Such is the way of it.

This rank and file nature, this frank and vile nature of things. Glad to see you lost your appeal, he stares at me from the morning pages, smiling, a proponent of Islam apparently. I hope in the next 40 years of incarceration you meet up with some real "Aussie pigs", oh how the smile will be wiped from your face. Such hatred for someone I don't know, someone I've never spoken to. It is this side of the news I hate the most, it is the side of news I hope never to encounter. What drives people to these ends I shall never know. I shan't expect to be able to avoid it at all, but I can dream, and I do.

Another supplication to end the suffocation. Breathe. Fading away, counting backwards and. Gone. Stifling as this is, I can't bring myself to do it. "Pain, unlike pleasure, wears no mask", as it is said, behind Sorrow there is always Sorrow.

Easter break, yay, Jesus gave up a weekend for my sins! (I suppose he did that whole dying on the cross thing too), joy of joys, I should like to spend it reading, infact, I may well do just that.

Another shortbread hit, with tea, takes me back, I should probably learn the art the way he did, there's a secret to it, and I hope it's written down, I don't expect my skills in communicating with the dead are up to scratch.

Ah European cinema, you should check out Mariken if you get the chance, it's Dutch, but don't let that stop you, the story line isn't too bad, susperstition in the middle ages, but the way it was shot was excellent.

Of course, for all its beauty, there was something rather disturbing that happened to me tonight, there's been a rather offensive smell permeating the house over the past day or so, a quick check to make sure it wasn't me and some detective work narrowed the source down to one pot on the stove. The pot was rather old, brown lid, black handles & a small flower motif on the side. Arm outstretched I reach slowly for the lid, and prise it off. I peek inside. A mysterious brown sludge greets me. "Strange" I thought "This may well be of some importance", so I replace the lid and go to my interview. I return a few hours later, and ask around about the mysterious brown sludge. It's decided that the owner of the sludge is Floron the robot, so we wait it out in the hopes that he will return to take care of it. Time passes and I finally decide I can't take it, I pick up the pot, take it out the back , release its contents into the wilderness, and turn the hose onto it in the darkness. The smell is awful, like hotdogs (I later find out that's exactly what the mysterious brown sludge WAS at one stage). So there we have it, after a week or two sitting on the stove, hotdogs liquify. Hotdogs LIQUIFY. Why, oh why should I ever need to know that?. Thanks Floron......that made my day.

I'm yet to inspect the damage in the morning sun, I'm not sure I can go back to the scene of all that horror.

Another cyan dream, I shouldn't be so surprised, I'm not unhappy with them, they're wondrous, beautiful and relaxing. How I long to float through the days like I do in those dreams.

audibleink @ 2004-04-06T14:18:00

2004-04-06T04:19:03Z

ah Crowded House.

Everything is good for you, if it doesn't kill you.

The Committee had a meeting on Sunday, basically its the females of the house, plus their female friends, meeting up and discussing things. I sit to the side and listen, they always turn to me and say "Sorry Stu" before launching into some tirade about a boy or something, "Don't worry, I know how worthless we are" I reply with a smile. Its basically a support network, it's strange what loyalty does to people, occasionally they'll throw me a bone and ask for my perspective, one they admit is slightly warped given the influences on my life and my sense of self preservation. They're afraid, or perhaps excited, that I might turn out in some sort of Bowie-esque form. It's funny looking back on it, it was funny at the time. I whince at some of the things put forth, some of the theories, they all turn to me and look accusingly and say "isn't that right Stu", sometimes you just have to agree, the evidence is incredible, I mean, considering the amount of degree's amongst the comittee, you'd expect the evidence to be amazing. The Committee meetings are always tense, always fuelled by a good meal (rosemary roast lamb with goat-cheese mashed potatoes!) and wine of course.
This one sort of crept up on me, one moment I'm sleeping on the couch, next minute I hear my sister belittling my sleep condition, then all of a sudden the Committee is there. Its too late to escape. My exits are blocked. Oh well, best sit down and learn something.

Yesterday, as my entry probably shows, was rather, sullen.

And I swear
That I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun

Kind of ironic.

I'm surprised to see it pass actually.

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I’m waiting for that final moment
You’ll say the words that I can’t say

I'm going to sit down and try and get some work done, lord knows i've neglected it in favour of........well, I can't entirely put my finger on it.

Easter this weekend. Probably drunken (the committee discussed it), I think I'll take in some culture and get my arse down to the gallery, it's been re-opened after YEARS, so I should give it the respect it deserves. Actually, I think someones going there tonight, hrm, perhaps not, perhaps this needs to be done in company I can stand. Looks like its going to have to happen Saturday.

Another siren cracks the warm afternoon sun, drowning out the birds, their wings flapping helplessly amongst the noise.

Time to sleep a little.

ha, maybe that's where all my work times has been going.

take this: http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/mask.htm

funny funny funny

audibleink @ 2004-04-05T15:52:00

2004-04-05T05:52:36Z

Book list update, you can now see it here

There are still a few issues with it.

audibleink @ 2004-04-05T02:42:00

2004-04-04T16:45:19Z

I can't sleep and I proffer that you cannot either. What is it that brings you here? or me for that matter. Today is the day the lights sort of dimmed a little. I won't go so far as to say today was the day the music died, oh no, I won't stammer about lost in the moment. I'll just try and get this down as best I can. It might have been a Friday, or a Saturday or a Sunday, I'm not sure I can recall, sometimes these things just get mixed up in your head. What do you do when you find out one of your idols is dead? Furthermore, what do you do when you find out they've killed themselves, when you find out they couldn't face the world?. You wonder, as I did, and still do today, about what drives somebody to that end. What happens when you're ten years old and you're listening to this news filter through? Just one of those shaping moments. Fundamental changes, loss, we all have them I'm sure. I'm not really fanatical, I can't accept the conspiracy theories, I don't think he's still alive on some island, living it up and laughing, but he lives on in other ways. I'm sure we've all looked down that barrel, I'm sure we've all walked the tightrope and thought about jumping off, some of us have come closer than others, not many I know have gone past that point, strange enough considering the place I grew up in.

Such a beautiful human, such a great mind, a talent, all of these things. He just couldn't take it, fed up and "bang", here's your face on the floor and the wall.
It wouldn't be fair to mention Kurt Cobain and not Layne Staley, who also died on this day two years ago. Ten and two. It doesn't feel like 10 years. I look back and see where I’ve come from. It never looks far, never ever. My playlist of Nirvana & Alice in Chains stuff (live tracks, recorded, rarities etc) spans some 10 hours, that's all I'll listen to today, I'll just space out if I can help it, try and get to class but.....sometimes things just affect you.

Live, and love. Live and love because you never know when it will be taken away. You never know what anyone is feeling, so play nice, respect each other, and love.

This might seem stupid.

Part of me still hurts, is still angered by the whole situation. Why. There was so much left to be done, and the pain of existence just crept up.

Whilst part of me wants to say "That was a piss poor effort Kurt" I know I can't. Rest easy Kurt, ten years gone, never forgotten, you've done more to influence the world than I ever could. I guess you had your reasons.

Thank you.

Drain You

One baby to another says -
I'm lucky to have met you
I don't care what you think
Unless it is about me
It is now my duty to completely drain you
A travel through a tube
And end up in your infection

Chew your meat for you
Pass it back and forth
In a passionate kiss
From my mouth to yours
I like you

With eyes so dialated,
I've become your pupil
You've taught me everything
Without a poison apple
The water is so yellow, I'm a healthy student
Indebted and so grateful -
Vacuum out the fluids

Chew your meat for you
Pass it back and forth
In a passionate kiss
From my mouth to yours
I like you

One baby to another says -
I'm lucky to have met you
I don't care what you think
Unless it is about me
It is now my duty to completely drain you
A travel through a tube
And end up in your infection

Chew your meat for you
Pass it back and forth
In a passionate kiss
From my mouth to yours
Sloppy lips to lips
You're my vitamins
I'm like you

Dumb

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy

Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy

My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover

Have a hangover
Have a hangover
Have a hangover

Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
My day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Maybe just happy

Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy
Think I'm just happy

I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb
I think I'm dumb

"Seems every path leads me to nowhere.....You know he ain't gonna die"

audibleink @ 2004-04-04T14:49:00

2004-04-04T04:48:50Z

Eris

Paint me as you will, dearest.
The widest brush
Your palette so pale,
The full gambit of tertiary colours
Murky and muddy as you see me
Selfish, stubborn
Your words deflected
But piercing, stabbing
Watch as the mud peals
Screams all the words I wish I could say
Fuses with the blood
You've helped me arrive here, mother
Don't hate what I've become
The evolution
Is complete

Sol

Your summer song so brittle
Your strength brewing until
One furious backhand
Sweeps it all away
A rejection of all that surrounds
Rightly or wrongly
Verity
Here it comes now
My time is here
And I can smite myself
These torrid pink scars
Red and swelling
A reminder of days past
And those drowned bodies
Back to haunt me
Those cyanide smiles
Those rainbows of oil
The smell of the rain
The ocean
Water on sand
Flood, flood, flood
Just need to take my mind away
Cotton wool
Unleashed upon my return
To the world of the living
And Livid
Your second wind
Their unknowing ignorance
Does not hold you down
The purest white is stained
The purest fight
The sheer delight
The warm embrace
Feel it
Taste it
Solstice and solace

Still life

the fruit sits
bowled and mouldy
the red and yellow
pallid
sucked out
chewed up
spat out

audibleink @ 2004-04-03T21:21:00

2004-04-03T11:24:56Z

What is your full name:: Stuart and you know the rest or should

Spell your first name backwards:: Trauts!

Date of birth:: 15th November, 1983

Male or female:: Male, but, meh,I won't explain

Astrological sign:: Scorpio (say it in a Sean Connery voice *melts*)

Nicknames:: Frogger, Stu Cab-Charge, Frog, *cough* Sturat *cough*

Occupation:: Student

Height:: 6'2".

Weight:: *shrugs*

Hair color:: Brownish usually

Eye color:: Blue

Where were you born:: A small country town

Where do you reside now:: In a large city not far from the small town where I was born

Age:: 20 going on 50

Screen names:: Many and varied

E-mail addy:: Ask and ye shall receive....or just, sydneyfrog*AT*hotmail.com

What does your screen name stand for:: It's just a nickname, anything added to it usually has some meaning

What is your livejournal name:: Audibleink

What does your livejournal name stand for:: It attempts to illustrate the power of words I suppose

Pets:: None for a while.

Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake:: Probably 2 or 3

Piercings:: I'm piercing free

Tattoo's:: Just waiting for the right time

Shoe size:: 11-12.

Righty or lefty:: Right or er, left, depending on the nature of the question

Wearing:: Jeannnnnnnnnns, well worn, comfortable, my only concession to my mostly black wardrobe

Hearing:: "But now here you are, and here I am" - Eddie Vedder singing Small Town

Feeling:: Beaten

Eating/drinking:: Beer soon

Guys/Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff

Have you ever been in love:: Yep

How many people have you said, I love you:: very few. You can't throw things around like that

How many people have you been in REAL love with:: very few

How many people have you kissed:: ahhhhhh the question is too broad, probably hundreds over the years, of course, that assumes the widest defition of "kissed"

Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex:: Assuming the most narrow definition, yes.

How many people have you dated:: less than the fingers I have on my left hand

What do you look for in a guy/girl:: I'm not so sure it's looking so much as...for me it's not an active search :/

What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex:: without hearing them speak, it's eyes every time.

What type of guy/girl do you usually go for:: Meh, crap question,

Do you believe in love at first sight:: Sight assuming you haven't spoken to the person? no.

Do you remember your first love:: No one ever forgets

Who is the first person you kissed:: assuming a narrow definition, I'd say it was my first love ;)

Do you believe in fate:: Sometimes.

Do you believe in soul mates:: I'm not sure, maybe

If so do you believe you'll ever find yours:: Sure

Family Stuff

How many siblings do you have:: three

What are your siblings names:: sister, sister, sister, er, Fluffy, Bec and Jess

What are your parents names:: Karen, Graeme, mum and dad? :/

How many siblings does your mother have:: Four

How many siblings does your father have:: 3 and 1 step, meh four

Where are your parents from:: Australian with distant UK heritage on my fathers side, and er, more recent UK heritage on my mothers side

Is your family close:: geographically no, but in that "close-knit" family kind of way, sort of.

Does your family get together for holidays:: it's rare to get us all in the same room

Do you have a drunk uncle:: I have a drunk father, wait, I might end up being the drunk uncle :O

Any medical problems run through your family:: Nothing really, maybe this sleep disorder, I dunno

Does someone in your family wear a toupee:: well.....yes.

Do you have any nieces or nephews:: Nope

Are your parents divorced:: No, but I have this inkling they might be soon enough

Do you have step parents:: Nope

Has your family ever disowned another member of your family:: Yeah, the battle lines get drawn fairly regularly

Did some of your family come to from another country:: Yeah, 200 odd years ago on one side, 80 odd on the other

Music Stuff

What song do you swear was written about you or your life:: There are far too many songs that seem like they were written about a part of my life, I couldn't cut it down to one

What's the most embarrassing cd you own:: I er, have sisters for a reason

What's the best cd you own:: I can't do that.

What song do you absolutely hate:: whatever is being overplayed on the radio at the time

Do you sing in the shower:: sometimes.

What song reminds you of that special someone:: H

Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give A Lyric From Any One Of Their Songs!

Pink:: errr

Aerosmith::

Run away, run away, run, run away

Janie's Got A Gun
Janie's Got A Gun
Janie's Got A Gun
Everybody is on the run

Madonna::

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Korn::

You came into my life
Without a single thing
I gave into your ways
Which left me with nothing
I've given empty smiles
I've dealt with all your games
I wish you'd bet right now
I had to let you win

Backstreet Boys:: erm. Sorry.

The Beatles:: Here's another clue for you all, the walrus was Paul

Sublime::

That's why I don't cry when my dog runs away
I don't get angry at the bills I have to pay
I don't get angry when my Mom smokes pot, hits
the bottle and goes back to the rock
Fuckin and fighting it's all the same
Livin' with louie dog's the only way to stay sane
Let the lovin come back to me

J.Lo:: Don't be fooled by the pie that we got, I'm still, I'm still Weebl, this is Bob, used to have a donkey that I loved a lot, now she lives with a ninjaaaaa... PIRATE.

*Nsync:: Erm, this is getting rather pathetic, who writes these things?

Limp Bizkit:: Um.....*searches his mind*

But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged

yes, I scare me too

Incubus:: New skinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Favourites

Color:: Black, blue, green (the colour of the revolution!)

Food:: Chocolate, cheese, together and TEAAAAAAAAAA, Mexican

Song:: I won't choose

Show:: Hrm, lots of strange stuff.

School subject:: I loved art until it was destroyed for me, I loved English too

Band/singer/artist:: Band - Tool. Singer - Eddie Vedder. Artist - Many and varied, Escher :O .

Animal:: Chihuahuas ;)

Outfit:: so long as its comfortable

Radio station:: I rarely listen to the radio, but probably Triple J

Movie:: Too many, Fight Club, Donnie Darko, 2001, A Clockwork Orange, Requiem for a Dream, Trainspotting, Pi

Pair of shoes:: Heh I used to love my Docs :( I need bigger blacker boots

Cartoon:: Spongebob Squarepants is great, Invader Zim, er, Space Ghost :D

Actor:: I love Johnny Depp for his portrayal of Hunter S. Thompson

Actress:: None really

Potato chip:: Meh.

Drink:: Tea, alcoholic? Vodka!

Soda:: bleugh, coke probably

Holiday:: Overseas preferably ;)

Perfume/cologne:: None.

Pizza topping:: CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE

Jello flavor:: Um, banana? no, not really, um Lime

Card Game:: Uno!

Video game:: Diamond mine a.k.a Bejeweled

Website:: deviantART, Weebl and Bob, Shadows Sphere :D

Book:: Probably 1984, if we're talking modern books. I think The Rum Diaries is amazing too!

Number:: 9

Cereal:: Um....Corn Flakes?

Comedian:: I love BritCom, I love any comedian so long as they're funny ;) probably the highly-offensive Denis Leary and Bill Hicks over all though (ha, both Americans :/)

Dessert:: Chocolate anything

Disney character:: erm, I always liked Sebastian the crab

Clothing store:: None in particular

Past time:: writing, eating, sleeping, music, music, music

Teacher:: I wouldn't be where I am without my year 6 teacher Mr. Armstrong encouraging and embracing my strange sense of humour, thanks Trevor!

Childhood toy:: Blue bear!

Carnival game/ride:: Anything fast, I love rollercoasters

Candy bar:: peanut butter cups are a rarity, but chocolate kicks so much arse

Magazine:: I don't read them usually, occasionally Rolling Stone or Metal Edge or Kerrang

Salad dressing:: French (in the only concession I will make to them!)

Thing to do on the weekend:: Write, sleep, drink, converse, repeat

Hot drink:: Tea

Season:: Winter

Sport to watch:: I can stand watching football, erm, Australian football too and cricket,

Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits

What color are your sheets:: Blue

What color are your bedroom walls:: pale blue and covered in posters

Do you have posters on your wall:: Anything from a pirate flag to a pamphlet on DNA parentage tests ;)

If so of what:: Oh, Tool, radiohead, Rage Against The Machine, Weezer, a whip, a map of the world, and a piece of cloth with the words "Fear is your only god" written across it.

Do you have a tv in your bedroom:: Technically yeah

How many pillows are on your bed:: two

What do you normally sleep in:: My bed, er, with er, nothing much more than what I came to this world with

Describe your favorite pair of pajamas:: I don't have any

What size bed do you have:: Double!

Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed:: I used to :(

Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom:: Yeah, I had to wire it myself though :/

Describe the last nightmare you had:: It's the same end, isolation.

Do you sleep with stuffed animals:: Froggles sleeps on the floor

How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed:: It depends on who I'm sharing with. Only one other person of course, so er, two. The question did specify 'sleep' I suppose

Any unusual sleeping positions:: Foetal, on my stomach, the sparrow (one leg tucked under)

Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling:: I have, but not in a very long time

Do you snore:: like a rhinoceros through a megaphone, but I'm in the process of fixing that

How about drool:: sometimes

Do you have an alarm clock in your room:: Yup

What color is the carpet in your room:: mottled pink and grey

What's under your bed:: whatever I need to store, a collection of neckties

This or that

loser/wannabe:: loser

Doughnuts/bagels:: donuts :D

Day/night:: Night

Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west:: West

Heaven/hell:: Heaven.

Make love/have sex:: Make love, it has a more passionate ring to it

Coffee/tea:: tough one, er, tea!

Hamburgers/hotdogs:: Burgers

Rap/rock:: Rock.

Britney/Christina:: I choose the colon ":"

Swiss cheese/american cheese:: Swiss, though Orange American cheese is kinda kooky

Real World/Road Rules:: Real World

Backstreet Boys/*Nsync:: NONE

Silver/gold:: Silver, or white gold, hrm, nah silver

Nike/Adidas:: hrm...adidas?

McDonalds/Taco Bell:: bastardized mexican is better than anything!

Sweet/sour:: Sweet.

Punk/emo:: hrm, I like punks enthusiasm, but I like emo's connection :/

Hot/cold:: depends, cold weather is great, but there are a lot of nice hot things

Winter/summer:: Winter.

Spring/Autumn:: Autumn.

Operas/plays:: Both

Read/watch tv:: read, hands down

Cd's/tapes:: CD.

Dvd's/vhs:: DVD.

Old/new:: Old.

Shorts/skirts:: I've worn skirts more often in the past year than I've worn shorts I'm pretty sure.

Pink/red:: Red

Colored pictures/black and white photos:: Both.

Meat/vegetables:: both!

Mexican food/chinese food:: Mexican

Commercials/infomercials:: Neither.

Scary movies/comedies:: Both are good

Bikinis/one piece bathing suits:: I'm not sure, whatever the wearer wants I suppose, but it's true that what you don't see can be sexier than what you do see. both have their distinct advantages, as for the whole using swimwear for its purpose, I imagine a one-piece is easier to swim in.

Sandals/tennis shoes:: Tennis shoes.

Dogs/cats:: Dogs!

Unicorns/fairies:: Unicorns

water/land:: Water

Sugar/spice:: oh...um, spice is nice

Black/white:: Both.

ribbons/bows:: Bows assume the tying has been done, ribbons however offer many more possibilities.

Chicken/beef:: I love cows. I love chickens :O I'm so torn!

Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights:: White light.

Cars/trucks:: Trucks are nice (huge trucks!) um, and I hate cars, so I'll say bikes (motor or otherwise)

Austin Powers/James Bond:: James Bond.......!

Popcorn/pretzels:: Popcorn.

Hip/hop:: hopping is better

Passionate kiss/peck:: Passionate kiss, there's no substitute

WWE wrestling/ real wrestling:: WWE has nice story lines, or did when I was younger :D

Back rub/foot massage:: Back rub, simply feels better, sensual and beautiful

Picture frames/photo albums:: Picture frames.

Pens/pencils:: pencils if I can help it, but pens must not be blue, green, or RED.

What Is Your Opinion Of The Following

Eminem:: I can appreciate the way he uses words, but his music isn't for me

Virgins:: Why anyone differentiates.......I'm not even going to get into it, these people are fine

God:: I'm open to the idea that a "God-like" figure could exist, but I'm not going to live my life based on the assumption that it does in fact exist and will kick my arse for living my life the way I want to

The Osbournes:: Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy........you didn't really need the money did you?

Reality TV:: Bleh, TV is alright, reality tv is not

J.Lo:: Good luck to her, she fits nicely into the machine

Religion:: I think it's great that people believe in things, it's not my cup of tea though

Emo music:: Ah Emo, harmless. Not too bad either

Valentine's Day:: A.K.A Hallmark Holiday.......

Christina Aguilera's comeback:: I wish she'd go back where she came from :/

Homosexuals:: This is a non-issue, we're all just humans and loving each other. They have my full support in their "battle" for lack of a better term, against draconian laws.

Abortion:: It's up to the individual, who am I to dictate to anyone what they do to themselves.

Inter-racial relationships:: non-issue,

Murder:: It depends on circumstances

Death:: inevitable

Pre-marital sex:: er, cos marriage is so sacred :/ I say go for it if you want it, and stay away if you don't, don't be pressured either way.

Terrorism:: I guess its my support of the underdog that makes me lean towards the Terrorists. What they do is terrible, but what is causing terrorism is just as bad, or worse.

Pornography:: Films? meh, it depends. Books? bring it on! :D

Fortune Tellers:: Harmless

Threesomes:: It depends on who the other two people are I guess

Prostitution:: complex issue, its not going to go away any time soon, but it doesn't bother me nor is it something I'd make use of

Politics:: The single most useless thing we've created

Country music:: Johnny Cash!

George W. Bush:: He's kind of amusing in that "Oh look at little Timmy push that nuclear launch button" kind of way

Cloning:: I think it has tremendous potential, but yeah, I understand there's a weirdness to it

Britney's boobs:: holy crap all of a sudden a nipple makes 4 pounds of fat sexy? :P I don't care for Britney's breasts because I do not care for what is inside britneys head.

Gas prices in America:: I imagine they're still pretty low

What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?...

Jack:: Skellington

Tiffany:: Breakfast at

Ben:: Dover, er, the white cliffs of,

Maria:: Rage Against the Machine

Jennifer:: er, Family Ties

Nicole:: A distant memory

Charlotte:: 's Web

John:: ny Cash

Vanessa:: Dunno.

Michelle:: Girl in school.

Kevin:: Smith

Jake:: Less Than.

Billy:: Goat.

Megan:: Heh.....ah. Sorry. Megan, Megan, Megan.....

Have You Ever....

Mooned anyone:: Yup

Been on a diet:: I ate M&M's for an entire weekend once

Been to a foreign country:: Yup

Broken a bone:: An arm, probably some toes and things

Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling:: yeah a tooth :(

Swear at a teacher:: Yup

Got in a fight:: Of course, er, but i'm a lover, not a fighter ;)

Dated a teacher:: not as yet....I may have dated a future teacher at some stage :/

Laughed so hard you peed your pants:: Very nearly

Thought about killing your enemy:: slowly and painfully

Gone skinny dipping:: yup!

Met another livejournal member in the flesh:: hah, I only read the journals of people I know

Told a little white lie:: nobody is honest all the time

Told a secret you swore not to tell:: I'd like to say no, usually I'm incredibly good at keeping things in, but sometimes things just happen

Stolen anything:: Lots of stuff, depending on your definition, sometimes accidentally, sometimes I've stolen a glance ;)

Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid:: yeah, but more swearwords make it better...except, not really

Been on TV:: I was on it the other night

Been on the radio:: Yep

Been in a mosh pit:: YEP!

Been to a concert:: Many!

Dated one of your best friends:: Yeah, technically I suppose I only ever date my best friends :/

Loved someone so much it makes you cry:: Yes, yes, yes.

Deceived somebody close to you:: probably

Broken the law:: all the time

Been to a rodeo:: er, no. I won't see those things done to my beloved cows without a good reason

Been on a talk show:: nope

Been on a game show:: nope

Been on an airplane:: Yep.

Got to ride on a firetruck:: Yeh!

Came close to dying:: I stopped breathing for a number of minutes, er, that was the first time

Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend:: ack, no.

Gave someone a piggy back ride:: Yes.

Terrorized a babysitter:: Yes, my sister

Made a mud pie:: yeah

Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff:: Falling? yes, off a cliff? not necessarily

Snuck out of the house at night:: Yup

Been so drunk you don't remember your name:: I always remember my name

Had an eating disorder:: probably

Felt like you didn't belong:: Yep

Felt like the 3rd wheel:: No, the third wheel is still useful, it's the fifth you've got to worry about ;)

Smoked:: yeah, various things

Done drugs:: Yup

Been arrested:: I've come awfully close on several occassions

Had your tonsils removed:: Yep

Gone to camp:: yeah a few times

Won a bet:: yup

Written a love letter:: ah, yes.

Gone out of your way to be with the one you love:: yeah

Written a love poem:: yes

Kissed in the rain:: yep

Slow danced with someone you love:: yes

Participated in an orgy:: well, orgy is a broad term, an orgy of drinking? sure :)

Faked an orgasm:: I, er, no.

Stolen a kiss:: no. Thought about it? yes

Asked a friend for relationship advice:: Yeah

Had a friend steal your boyfriend/girlfriend:: nope

Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love:: Have I wished it? all the time. has it happened? not nearly as often as it should

Gotten a speeding ticket:: Nope

Done jail time:: Nope.

Had to wear a uniform to work:: yeah

Won a trophy:: yeah, hockey woohoo

Thrown up in public:: Hahaha yes!

Bowled a perfect game:: No.

Failed/got held back:: I got out before they held me back

Got perfect attendance in grade school:: nope

Roasted pumpkin seeds:: mmmmmmmm tasty

Taken ballet/karate lessons:: erm, as part of school, yeah, both

Attempted suicide:: nah, thought about it, never acted

Cut yourself:: I'd like to say no, but sometimes you just can't beat the feeling

Childhood Stuff

Did you play with Barbies/G.I. Joes:: Barbies & G.I Joes

Did you own Treasure Trolls:: nope

Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210:: yes

Did you play Simon Says:: No

Did you watch Fraggle Rock:: fraggle rock kicks arse

Did you wet the bed:: Nope

Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed:: not in either of those locations no, and they weren't monsters as such,

Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them:: Nope.

Were you shy:: I can be

Were you spoiled:: Not particularly

Were you abused:: yeah

Did you go to the circus:: yeah, my mum hates them though.

Did you go to the zoo:: yeah

Were you in a car accident:: several

Did you build snowmen:: only when we went to the mountains

Did you cry when you scraped your knee:: not usually

Were your older cousins mean to you:: not really, they were always kind of cool

Did you think slinkies were cool:: I never understood the attraction

Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer:: nope

Were you afraid of the dark:: yeah totally

Did you have slumber parties:: heh my sister did, embarassment ensues.

Did you have New Kids on the Block sheets, pillows, pajamas, sleeping bag?: We've got the album somewhere

Did you tease your hair out like Tiffany:: er no.

Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy:: yeah, doesn't everyone?

Randomness

Do you believe in aliens:: not in the "we've come to probe you" kind of way, but there HAS to be something out there,

Name three things that are next to your computer:: Graphics tablet, speakers, beer (empty :( )

Do you have any hidden talents:: yeah a few things, you'll just have to ask ;)

Do you wish MTV would play music videos:: I wish Mtv were good again :(

If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be:: a thriller

What would your movie star name be:: er...

Do you play any sports:: Not anymore, I still ride though.

What's the scariest movie you've ever seen:: anything that involved me walking home through the neighbourhood alone at 2am and being 10 years old. heh

What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently:: Donnie Darko and Adaptation were both good

What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen:: Ack, I try and block them out of my mind

Do you drive:: I can I suppose

What is your dream car:: something comfortable, it must have good sound.

Do you think you're good looking:: beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Do others think you are good looking:: I'm not sure, I should probably ask them

Would you ever sky dive:: Sure :)

Do you believe in Bigfoot:: er, no, sorry Nessie though......well that's another story

How many rooms do you have in your house:: er 11 or 12 I suppose

Are you afraid of roller coasters:: Nope, I like them lots

Do you believe in God:: nope.

Do you believe in Satan:: nope

Do you believe there is a heaven:: perhaps, a place on earth I guess

Do you believe there is a hell:: Yes, and perhaps earth is some other planets hell.

Do you own a pooltable:: Nope

Do you have a pool:: we have a wading pool :D

Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen:: Yes, but it doesn't get used, so our new dishwasher is called Stuart

Do you like chocolate:: understatement

Who/what is on your 2004 calendar:: Pugs...for torture

How many U.S. states have you been to:: er, none, though we're supposed to be the 51st :/

Ever wished on a shooting star:: Yep

Best Halloween costume you ever wore:: I went as a gimp, it was, nice.

Do you carry any weapons on you:: I have a whip on my wall, but I would never crack it in anger......au contraire!, er, I also have a pocket knife thing as part of my old job....I suppose that's a weapon

What is your weakness:: I have a small number of huge weaknesses

Name something you can't get enough of:: .....your love baby?

Describe yourself in 3 adjectives:: Open, confusing, human

How many kids do you want to have:: It would depend I suppose on the number of children my partner wanted. I'd love to have kids eventually (note the plural).

Future daughters names:: There are many beautiful names, I don't have any sense of family history or anything, so er, it would probably be something entirely new

Future sons names:: See above.

What is your ideal way to die:: comfortably

How do you release stress:: I don't stress easily....maybe I'm just bottling everything up? writing helps

Do you consider yourself a trendy person:: Not really, though, people are doing things today that I was doing years ago, and now they're cool heh, maybe I'm just bitter :P

Are you an artisitic person:: some would say that

Are you a realistic person?:: sometimes

Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off:: No laces at the moment

Are you a strong person:: in a few ways, yeah

Are you a strong willed person:: with regard to most things? I'd say so, but I do have my weaknesses

Who is the last person to e-mail you:: someone offering to increase the length of my penis....er, I can do that myself with the right thoughts or words. Of course, I can do it with the help of others as well :P

Who is the last person to IM you:: Floron the house cleaning robot from downstairs

Do you hate chain e-mails:: Hrm, yeah, mostly because they're false.

Are you a deep sleeper:: It depends. I'm not all that difficult to wake.

Are you a good story teller:: I'm not sure, I'd like to be though.

What do you believe is your best quality:: er, I like to think i'm trustworthy, open and honest

What is your greatest accomplishment:: I don't have anything

Do you like to burn candles or incense:: Sometimes.

Do you have your own credit card:: nope

Let's say you win the lotto. What do you do with all that money?:: help my friends realise their dreams

Do you have a check book:: nope

Do you have your drivers licence:: yeah and riders

Do you tan easily:: I burn like an effigy

What color is your hair naturally:: Brownnnnnnnnn

Worst feeling in the world?: Losing someone.

Best feeling in the world:: Those moments you have when you realise you're comfortable and secure. It's difficult for us to arrive their on our own.

Is the glass half empty or half full:: Half full, half of nothing (empty) is still nothing.

Last thing you downloaded:: some crowded house tracks

Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life?:: I hope not

What do you think people think of you:: People tell me i'm great, er, without wishing to blow my own horn. I don't understand why they say these things.

Are you a likeable person:: hrm maybe?

Do you need therapy:: perhaps

Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance:: it's been suggested to me before

When are you moving:: I'm going on a holiday this year, and I hope to study abroad in 2005/2006

What's your favorite phrase::

"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong."
"I can resist everything except temptation"
"In America the President reigns for four years and journalism governs forever and ever."
"Bad manners make a journalist"
- Oscar Wilde

Ouch. Tough times ahead my friend.

audibleink @ 2004-04-03T03:16:00

2004-04-03T04:16:11Z

"I dedicate this song to you guys here; it’s called One Armed Scissor"

Addictions 4 & 5 - indulged.
Addiction 1 - Unable
Addiction 2 - In the process
Addiction 3 - State of flux

These white renditions of cold steel love turn red slightly. Ghostly white, pinkish hue, tolerate and regenerate. Love the skin you're in. Another weekend, another handful of parties, another brash American saying "Don't hate me, it's not my fault", don't know why I'd hate you anyway. No hangover, they're few and far between, I'll see if I'm saying that tomorrow.

Put those chains on, attach the weights and pull, strain, heave, move, move, move, I am everything and nothing at all, I am reminded and forgetting, travelling without moving, launched into a flurry of thought, want, passion, pain. Words are failing, and I'm flailing, floundering, writhing on the rocks as the sea washes over my body, taking me away piece by piece. Take my hands, create and destroy. Wake up to another empty house, another cyan dream, there are people here but they're just as dead as I. Take me back to where it all began. Where is the wind?, cleansing.

"What's wrong baby?
Don't they treat you like they should?
Did you take them for it?
Or every penny that you could?"

I think I'll go for a ride.

audibleink @ 2004-04-02T12:07:00

2004-04-02T02:08:46Z

This enciphering, all this errant symbolism of mine. All these addictions, rampant, running me down and making me happy, burning me up with such desire and passion. I'm not far from the madding crowd at all, I think i'm right here in the thick of it.

The protest went well, hopefully we've proven our point, that fees should not be increased by my educational institution, I was on the news, I realise now that the only time I make the news is when it involves something of a political nature. I wasn't protesting for me, the fee increases wouldn't affect me, I'm not protesting for the education of any children I might have, I don't intend on having children educated in any Australian universities, I don't plan on living in this country, so who or what was I supporting then? I'm not entirely sure, perhaps the right to cheap or free education for everybody, not just those who can afford to pay huge amounts of money. I was supporting the future of this great nation, and at the very least, if nothing comes of our actions, I can say that I was there, helping out, perhaps hindering.
The thing with protests that I find discouraging is that they all seem to splay into other issues, in particular the Government's stance on border protection, I still think it weakened our message, and that's why I said nothing at all for the whole march until I saw a police officer use pressure points (pressure applied to certain parts of the body to subdue someone) at which point "THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING!" erupted from as far down as my toes. On our side the demonstration was peaceful for the most part, I ended up cooking pizza in an elevator, using a microwave borrowed from the local Trades Union building. Heh, the unions, protests end up becoming a recruiting ground for this or that, I prefer not to affiliate myself with anyone, it seems stupid to me that anyone would bend their thoughts, morals & ideas to any group. Strength in numbers is true, but it weakens the minds of those in the group. It felt great to awaken another long-dormant passion, but it is not one I think I'll choose to pursue. What got to me the most I suppose, was the way the police gloated and smiled, arms crossed, after evicting us from the foyer of the admin building, did they not understand that we were fighting for their children? for them potentially? It seems idealistic I guess, and maybe their loyalty to their job outweighed anything else. Such is the way of this world.

It is with heartfelt regret I announce the passing of the La Creuset cooking pot a.k.a The Small Blue Frenchman. His untimely demise came when he fell (or was he pushed??!) from the benchtop, leaving him with a large crack down his side. The cost of replacement is a staggering 1000 or so dirhams, thank christ it wasn't me who killed him, though I thought for a minute I had.

These addictions, all this hurt and hate we have for the ones we love and care for, sacrifice, all mounting, piling up and threatening to swamp us all, sweet repose, freedom, escaping my every attempt at capture, enraptured by the thought of it all.

"Imagine me, taught by tragedy
Release is peace

I heard a little girl
And what she said was something beautiful
To give your love no matter what
Is what she said"

Stitch up your wounds, lick them clean, taste the blood in your mouth, the fire in your heart, lamentable words, thoughts, actions and deeds. The trails we all leave, coagulation of blood, stains on the footpath, on the sand, on the stairs, outside your house and in, following you, a grim spectre, a smiling face.

Ineffectual.

The torture of time and truth, the heart forever mournful of the past, the first, the last, the present. Reach out and feel, dump those pills out again and start the count up, one for me and one for the good Doctor. "Never dreamed you'd return", everyone dreams of that, of that moment, the return of all that is well and good, the serenity and comfort, the distance in your eyes returned, the small light as if staring at a candle from space. Steel yourself to reach out and touch the flame, it won't burn you, not this time, the warm embrace, the light, but not the searing of the soft, lithe skin.

audibleink @ 2004-03-30T16:21:00

2004-03-30T06:22:14Z

The rains fell today, like shards from my crystalline childhood, a vase knocked and broken from the 13 storey, raining down and tearing my memory apart, just another broken promise, another innocent day destroyed and all for the sins of the flesh. It's hard to know your enemy when your enemy smiles sweetly at you, or did. To see his face stare up at me from the morning pages, you can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. These sub-urban monsters, sometimes you find yourself so blinded by the light of your own existence, nothing seems to have its correct weight or gravity. I guess the more you struggle the quicker you'll sink.

It's been a strange and curious week, and a curiously strange life up until this point.

I sit here not knowing what, if anything to write. This journal is closed until further notice.

Left

And

Leaving.

audibleink @ 2004-03-30T08:39:00

2004-03-29T22:41:21Z

Bleed American was perhaps one of my favourite releases of 2001. Now moreso than ever I can appreciate Jimmy Eat World. If you're ever looking for it, I think they renamed their album to "American" out of respect for one thing or another.

I'll post more about it later, right now I'm on the run from myself. This album is incredible, quiet, not heavy (with the exception of the title track), listen to it, enjoy it.

"On my life I'll try today
There's so much I've felt I should say but
Even if your heart would listen
I doubt I could explain"

Jimmy Eat World - If You Don't, Don't

audibleink @ 2004-03-29T23:15:00

2004-03-29T13:15:52Z

The week begins with a new and exciting ritual, namely a few pints down at Pugg Mahones, merely a shift of the random ritual I guess, its good to have some sort of routine. Life and livid living coupled with that sweet amber produce, I got to being upset about a lack of Pearl Jam being played by the band in the back room as I gazed out onto the street at the other end of the building, lo and behold Betterman was the next song. Sometimes I amaze even myself. A few bouts of impromptu front bar karaoke and we're off again, making our way between the ominous towers and the thousands of people that occupy them.
The lecture this morning was better than usual, I saw a newspaper writer, in the halflight his aura shone brightly and brilliantly, above him were two photos, both of the same scene. On his right a shot of a bombed train with a severed arm lying by the tracks as emergency workers pore over the wreckage, on his left the same shot sans-arm. I don't get it, we all have arms I suppose, the argument put forth was that people would be eating breakfast when confronted with this human appendage sitting precariously on the rail, but then, we were all using our arms to eat breakfast, its just an arm, maybe not to everyone, some choose to cover up the perceived horror, others put it on full display.

Tip number one: Should you ever find yourself the subject of media scrutiny, god forbid should anyone close to you die in some accident, the best and easiest way to get rid of the hounding media is to give them a photo of the deceased and perhaps a few words from a family member. Failure to do so may mean further intrusion into your grieving. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Those rat bastards, they should all just assume the position.

The rest of the day was occupied with senseless discussion, some laminating, a few phone calls and a letter from some guy called Luke, it wasn't addressed to me, well, not to me personally, it was merely pinned to a noticeboard with the word "You" in red letters, and a map of Australia complete with the tropic of Capricorn, he talked about terrorists and whether he was more likely to die catching a train or a tram, it was really rather boring, but it filled the void between my leaving University and my getting to the supermarket. The tram ride home was particularly annoying, not just for the fact that there were so many people (I hate crowds) but also that one of the ticketing machines emitted a high-pitched whining, like tinnitis magnified, for the entire journey. I'm reasonably certain brute force would have rectified the situation, but given the amount of people on the tram, it didn't seem entirely appropriate. The supermarket was bland, an older man in a football jumper stood in front of me at the checkout and made me nervous, his jittery movements, constant glancing and the way in which he collected his goods and paid for them. I paid for my meat and cheese, oh cheese, joy of joys, food of the cow gods.

Maybe we're all rebelling against a shrinking world. Maybe in our attempt to isolate ourselves we're effectively trying to extend the boundaries in which we exist.

"They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead"

audibleink @ 2004-03-29T00:08:00

2004-03-28T13:53:32Z

Two and ten these years haunt me. Ten and two and all of these days slipping by me, just a week away and then celebration and mourning. I know you'll be there too, lighting candles or enjoying a quiet one, listening to their souls, risen and speaking. The gut-shot feeling, the pain and agony. "That's a piss poor effort" it came from the radio, and there I was not more than 10 years old, heart sinking and faith lost. Sometimes the ties that bind are strange. 9 years and 51 weeks, give or take a few hours here or there. That was a piss poor effort, but, I guess in my own small way, I'll come to understand your decision one day. Thank you for bestowing upon me this new understanding. I don't suppose it's new anymore, not now, but it helps. Just leaves me here Aberdeen dreaming, aspriring to greatness and...I just hope I can be what I'm meant to be. A week to go and then, whatfor and whereto? Just wish I could acknowledge this impending date with people who felt the same.

audibleink @ 2004-03-28T00:56:00

2004-03-27T15:57:41Z

"I know the pieces fit..."

This savage elation. My feet burn with the tenacious ripping of flesh, the earlier barefoot exploits across the malicious footpath reaping the painful seeds earlier sown. Just wish I could bleed this all away. Listening to all manner of, well, music, words, thoughts, sounds, Jimmy Eat World, Pearl Jam, Tool of course, voices, mine, yours, the voices of those around me, the voices of those I wish can only hope were around me, inspirational, joyous, all of these things. So elated, so tired, waiting, waiting, daylight savings finishes and everything goes back to normality. The winter comes. It's as if all the negative things ever said about me have somehow become manifest in my being recently. I should probably sleep, but this feeling is far too great to shake off enough for sleep. Just dancing around this fire, stumbling over my feet in an effort to maintain the ritual. Just watching my feet sink in the sand under the light of the fire, all my soul within me burning with passion and desire for this dance, for its end. So general and specific, so cryptic and clear.
"..cos I watched them fall away"

audibleink @ 2004-03-28T00:33:00

2004-03-27T13:35:25Z

This demon driving me towards the words that will make everything seem better. Just pushing on against this headwind.
A week to go and, and, wow, 10 years and it seems like such a short while, what an influence and now abscence, touched, abandoned.

audibleink @ 2004-03-27T13:52:00

2004-03-27T02:52:18Z

"Don't be aroused
By my confession
Unless you don't give a good god damn about redemption"

- Puscifier - REV 22:20

"He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon."
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus."

I found this, and thought i'd share. I hope you appreciate it too. I woke up happy this morning.

audibleink @ 2004-03-26T12:39:00

2004-03-26T02:21:22Z

Gusts of the breeze blow about and run circles around my ankles. The cold steel of the railing separating me from being alive and living. I look down perhaps twenty storeys or more at a man feeding pigeons on the common ground between these two towering monoliths, a testament to societies failings. Camouflaged by trees I can make out his red shirt against the brown on brown patches of dirt and dying grass. The bread feeds the birds who die and are replaced, the old man moving peas from one pan to another and back again. The breeze brings with it news of the distance, a truck braking heavily to avoid yet another senseless pedestrian, a gun shot, the screams of passion, hate and desire from the dwellings below, and for every siren I heard wail until it got here, for every screaming obscenity, for every conversation overheard on the price and the dealing, I feel myself slipping away.
I can stand here and look out across the sprawl, meaningless people in their meaningless lives intersected by the black tar-laden bitumen, cutting their suburbs into cookie sheets, each as bitter and tasteless as the last, but each crawling with a new and exciting flavour. The bluestone alleyways call out from a time long ago when beggars and thieves roamed these streets, where gangs patrolled this ghetto, the thieves and beggars are still here, locked up inside themselves.
Comfort and pain, salvation and sorrow. I think we all know what we want, we just know it's unobtainable for the time being, we're all waiting for our train to take us to the rolling hills to the cold biting air, or down to the seaside and to complete isolation, together alone. I feel strange in that the learning I do inside my own head seems to be much more valuable than the education I will eventually pay for. I'm not paying for it yet, not financially, but in other ways I may well be. Sacrifice could well be what separates us from the animals, though it is of my opinion that the animals have the better deal. Fuck sentience, bring me soma. Just watching the teeth of the gears slip out. I feel my soul slip back a little, then lurch forward wrenching at its tether and screaming, falling to the floor in delight and ecstasy. Screaming for more, demanding and unsure of what to do.

I can see you falling, but I fall faster and from my perspective it's like you're not moving at all, like you're suspended in this lurid liquid, limp and languishing. My mind flashes a lascivious grin outwardly, masked and horrible. These cyan dreams, flooded with light and presence, isolated but not alone, oil on water, these cyan dreams will be with me through another euphoric dawn. They're so quiet, so peaceful and serene, they call to me like some paradise. These cyan dreams will be with me at the moment of my death as they are with me when I wake in the morrow, alone, isolated.
I guess the future is overrated, but I live in hope. Hope is like the endless desert you never find your way out of, it's the endless tunnel, it's the light you walk toward, the embrace you hope to feel, the warmth. I can make out the faces in the light of this darkness. I can see the way the shadows hide your eyes, your one vulnerability, your achilles heal. 'Hello' I scream into the darkness but the faces do not move, they maintain their guarding looks, they maintain their faces unbroken, they do not flinch. My heart rate lifts, my breath dances on the cooling air, my eyes dart, my gut sinks, my legs shake and my knees quiver as if possessed by demons. I drop to the ground, the eyes stare, the words I want to say trip over my tongue and fall back down my throat to become guttural grunts, mere shadows of what they were, weaker versions of the piercing creations they should be. My head erupts in thought and frustration, my strength sapped, my will destroyed and my body lying lifeless under the gaze of all of this. It hurts to know I'll never measure up to this or that, that I won't rise against adversity in the usual way. A deep voice to make up for what is ultimately a shallow existence.

Everybody is so tragic in their existence, me too, obviously. I just want to wake up and know that on that day I shall see something intensely beautiful. I don't fear much, save that of course.

audibleink @ 2004-03-26T10:27:00

2004-03-25T23:27:29Z

He gazed up at the enormous face. Twenty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark moustache. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself....

With apologies to Orwell of course.

Damn these wretched addictions, if only they weren't good. I'm finally connected to the mobile network, er, its weird, I haven't quite got the hang of it. Last night was spent at the old bar, grease paint and an unusual show of acrobatics happily married with jug after jug of that fine local amber produce. It was strange and quirky, many had taken part in the recent Fringe Festival, for those who don't know, the Fringe is sort of a celebration of, well, the fringe of artistry I guess and in being so displays a sort of rank-outlandishness that a lot of people dismiss as being "stupid". Fair enough too, I don't expect everyone should enjoy having a man up on stage with a banana telling poor jokes and talking about blonde pubic hair wigs.

Eddie Vedder. My hat goes off to you.

Hail Hail

I was reading a discussion on the nature of accents and the way they affect our understanding of language, the way dialects move and change. I hope my accent isn't....well, I hope its not a lot of things.

"I sometimes realize...I could only be as good as you'll let me..."

This occupational spiritlessness must end, but for now it's just me and Jane's Addiction. Perry Farrell, Dave Navarro, Eric Avery, Stephen Perkins and I.

audibleink @ 2004-03-25T07:15:00

2004-03-24T20:16:35Z

Even a bed of roses will leave you scratched and bleeding. Feeling those thorns tear your flesh. Watching them pierce you. Red and bleeding. Left and leaving.

"Hate is what I feel for you
And I want you to know that i want you dead
Named for the execution
If you're not here soon we'll kill your friend instead
......
I hate you and your apathy
You can leave you can leave
I don't want you here"

-Israel's Son by Silverchair

Those rat bastards and their musical evolution.

I guess the way it's left me feeling
Longing for the wretched bleeding

heh.

I guess i've backed down slightly from yesterdays internal fracas, but I'm off msn for a few days at least.

See you in the spring.